fetter

medicine can be a hard thing to handle. no one likes to have to go from being able to just get up and go and do whatever without having to think about when and if they took medicine to help them, to having to wake up at a certain time, take meds, go through the day watching what they do (driving, drinking alcohol, etc), and having to live on a schedule that culminates at having to go to bed at a certain time, again taking meds. this fetter makes my wife’s free spirit weak. she’s slowly becoming adjusted to this whole ordeal, and the medicines, while still changing (more on that in a sec) are starting to level out and help. i’m hoping that free spirit will be able to return during the daytime, when she loves to be outside doing things in the yard, and playing with they boys. it’s got to be hard sticking to a schedule that i’m totally used to (up early, bed semi-early), while trying to regain normalcy. she’s used to staying up until 1 or 2 or 3am, and getting up at 7am to get our oldest to school, then napping in the morning while the others do their thing, which is usually something bad while mommy isn’t paying attention. now she’s getting used to getting up at 7 and going to be at 10pm, and, while she now needs a nap because of the medication in the afternoon, it’s not because she’s had a lack of sleep the night before.

 

the meds are changing again today. she’s dropping the BuSpar, which has been a shitty med for her anyway, and adding Cymbalta and also Restoril. the Cymbalta will do what the BuSpar couldn’t, which is control the depression that is being caused by the fact she can’t get manic anymore from her bipolar, which is being controlled by her other meds. those seem to do the job, and the Atavan definately works better than the Kolonopin for the anxiety control. Restoril will be a sleep aid, she’s really had a hard time sleeping soundly for years. she used to just sleep straight through, but the last year off and on, and this year almost nightly, she’s tossing and turning (and as a result, so am i), or not sleeping at all. since the medication this last 6 weeks, she’s definately sleepy but it’s fitful. hopefully tonight, she’ll finally have a good sleep. that’s something i’ll bet she never knew she missed. i know i do

i see she’s adjusting to the controls the meds impose, and she’s becoming less resistant to being on a schedule, and for that i’m happy and glad for her, it’s going to be a hard road to get this under control for her, but letting youself get on a set time to take the medicine will help get them leveled out faster.

i know i miss some of our life since this happened. i hope we can get back to good, even though that could be 6 months or never, i will keep my hopes up and do whatever i can for her, even if we never return to our normal or she decides to just give up on us, i will be there. i’m sounding gloomish here, but i just am reassuring myself really that there’s the small chance that we will never be able to be “us” like we were, or that “us” will be different from what it was. would different be bad? hell no, anything that includes us being together as a couple and loving each other again is a good thing. i know the love is still there, i see it, i feel it, even though she doesn’t let me know as much as she used to. hopefully, i havent turned into the ball and chain that keeps her grounded, but more like that guiding, gentle hand that is helping her stay on the ground, because she wants to be.

-e