concerto

wow. i actually got to go see Floater. one of the bands that i have loved for years. finally seeing them live was fucking awesome. my sister-in-law goes to their shows all the time when they come to Chico, or anywhere near here, but they actually played Sacramento, and as a birthday present, my wife and sis in law got together and planned for us to go see them. fucking awesome. their opening bands were pretty great too: Martian Puppits and 9 Hours North. both were fucking awesome and I will be definately looking for music from them. I got to talk to Tommy the singer from Martian Puppits and Aaron the bassist from Nine Hours North. Both bands stuck around for Floater and they were real cool about talking with the crowd after playing. anyway, i’m tired as hell, long day, but i am stoked and was surprised by the fact that we went, since i had no idea that there was a plan in place! thanks B and B for planning and setting me up for the show!

-e

listless

It’s hard sitting here on a 3-day weeking with no money and gas prices at 4.15 a gallon or higher! damn… We’ve been trying to make busy work, but the shitty thing is that it rained all day Saturday, which made for a worthless day, couldn’t even have our big 3-family garage sale…that will happen next week. Yesterday we spend what little money I did have on paint, and today we’ll be painting E’s room… or at least trying. We’re pretty much on this lazy, listless, have no money kick. Why did we anticipate that goddamned stimulus rebate, instead of being surprised by it? I would have rather just been surprised by it, but we thought by now we would have it since we thought we did direct deposit (i posted about all this below…)

B’s thinking of going back to group therapy. I didn’t know until yesterday that she was feeling like she needed to go back, and why. She explained it simply that she hates being controlled by medicine. I told her it’s going to be a way of life for a long while if she wants to try to get her disorders under control. It could be a lifelong treatment, and that people do it all the time for other things like high blood pressure or diabetes. If she can look at the medicines in a different light, she might not have such trouble with them. So, going back to therapy to her will help her do that. I’m going to contact them and see if it’s possible, and if my insurance will allow it.

That’s it on the news front, i hope some of you are enjoying the weekend at least!

-e

boulevardier

definately not me. i’m a blue jeans and t-shirt type. i’m almost constantly in jeans and tennis shoes, even when working, since i’m not in an office that is heavily frequented by the corporate employees. i’ve noticed that this has rubbed off on our 2nd child, C, who never wears anything but jeans and t-shirts, preferrably blue. kind of weird. he’s my mini-me.

i’ve never really liked to follow fashion, and the one i did follow was pretty stupid in retrospect…. hyperactive shirts. those t-shirts that changed color with heat. pretty funny when i think back. that and those Big Johnson shirts, which i still think are funny. even then, it was t-shirts with jeans that i wore every day. my Standard Dress Code if you will. ahhh. not much more thought on this. maybe i should change my ways. try to dress more “in fashion”. of course, what’s a more timeless fashion than jeans and a t?

-e

obtrude

i’m still posting. no misery, but still i try to keep up the posts. i guess the world has come to this. good news is not news. i’m putting this post out because i have no news to announce. nothing bad has happened, and i have no need to vent. why is it that it’s easier to post about things that have gone wrong or that i’m worried about than it is to just post that today was a sunny happy day?

well, it was. we had a nice morning, went to a doctor appt for my wife to meet her actual medical doctor for the first time since switching to him almost 8 months ago. she was going to talk to him about gastric bypass, but decided against it, as she thinks more on it, she wants to do it less. either way, i love her however she looks or weighs. me? i’m still stuck at that 285 mark. it’s because i’m not TRYING to lose anymore, just eating whatever. i’m going to start trying again in a couple days, then it will be back to the struggle (and probably more recipe posts!).

relationship? doing well, thank you. i’m not sure if my wife is 100% as far as her feelings, but she’s definately coming back to a married state of mind. i know it’s hard, she decided to take freedom by the horns and try to live it while she was sliding down the manic-depressive road at the same time. i really wonder what life would be like right now if i hadn’t stepped up and done something. we would definately have been seperated. probably on the way to divorce. i would have the kids for now, since she wasn’t and still probably wouldn’t be working full time. i hate to think of what if’s. i don’t want to think of life apart if i can avoid it. it was miserable living that life and thinking of where things will go. i’m just happy living in the now, hoping for the future, but respectful of what could be, and trying to keep a balance between obtrusive and uncaring. i have seen that i can be too loving, and that is a turn off for her, which i don’t understand fully, but respect. i can also be not loving enough, which is hard for me to understand as well, since i always feel love for her, but i’m not always able to show it….and when i do, it’s too much… catch-22.

enough rambling….

-e

good.day

today was probably the best day i’ve had since march. we got up, started getting ready for the garage sale that never happened…which we weren’t even going to be selling at…. it was more for my mother-in-law and one of B’s friends to sell shit. since that didn’t happen, we had plenty of time to get ready for A’s t-ball game. we went there, watched a pretty good game with the kids all playing well. after, we took $20.00 and went around to a few garage sales. we got home around 12:30, put E down for his nap, and started working outside. we cleaned up, mowed and started watering the back, pulled some things out of the garage to clean up that room a bit, and started out front. we didn’t mow out there, i’m going to do that after i write this ( ), but B painted a coffee table with primer, and helped me paint the front side trim of the house, which is about 2 months past due (we painted this house right before the major bombs started going off). we then came inside and made the most heavenly mac n cheese (from scratch, and it’s the fucking bomb. sorry no recipe!) and i made a tri-tip while painting, which turned out awesome (search for my tri-tip recipes). I also picked up a crusty baguette from the store and some broccoli salad. i need to get a recipe for that and make it my own eventually.

anyway, i’m mowing tonight, then it’s bedtime. all told, no drama, no crying, no anger, only smiles and exhaustion from a well-spend sunday. god damn this was a great day.

C comes home from Reno tomorrow, so it’s a whole different ballgame again. the 3 terrors will ride again!

-e

work

made it through the week. thankfully all is going well at home, so work was able to be completed like it should. travel starts soon though, and i’m hoping we’re going to ahve a stable enought environment where i can be gone 3 days at a stretch and not have to worry about my family the entire time. not that i mind thinking about them all the time of course nothing interesting to announce today, so i’m keeping it short. besides its too fucking hot to be on the computer all night!

-e

subfusc

i’m glad the gloomy subfusc clouds are gone from over my head. i’m feeling like the sun is shining constantly (and with near-100-degree days wed, thu, and over 100 degrees today, it IS). I think they have found a combination of meds that work for my wife in the most postive fashion. she’s still tired, but it’s less than it has been, and seems to be something she can work through. the downside, of course with these meds is a lack of sexual desire, which we talked about yesterday. i told her that is doesn’t matter, and i mean that. i do want sex. almost constantly. but i know that if there’s no desire, it’s not going to be something to force upon her. not that it’s that horrible to abstain for a bit, and i know that the desire will come back slowly at first, but will be there.

it’s good to be standing in the light, instead of wondering when the next storm is going to come and you’ll have to make sure you’ve got control of everything. i know that we’re still in the beginning, but the old B is starting to show through, and by that i mean the B of 5 years ago, who wasn’t so upset at being a mommy. i’m hopeful for everything, and luckily, she’s seeing everything i’ve for her as a positive thing now, instead of being mad or resentful. here’s to a weekend of working on the house, and enjoying family!

-e

refreshed

yes, the cymbalta worked. it’s one of those things, almost immediately (well, 6 hours or so) after taking it, she noticed that she was feeling better. I got that long-awaited smile last night, that was there because she was truly not feeling depressed. it was great, and i felt like screaming from the rooftops that she’s back! i can tell she’s feeling better, and even today, she’s posted on her myspace that she feels much better. this morning, i forgot to get things ready for A’s school, like his clothes, and even though she was upset, she didn’t have that breakdown that she’s been having over small things, and just pushed through the frustration. it’s great to see her be able to keep trying and going, where last week, the same situation would have made me come home from work just to get our son to school because she would have been a wreck of emotions.

i’m still not 100% sure how she’s feeling about other issues, but just to see that smile made my heart beat 1000x’s faster.

-e

weezer!

sweet. eponymous album #3 is coming early! June 3 for “the red album”! nice. i’m loving the new single Pork and Beans, and decided to go to their site http://www.weezer.com/default.aspx, and saw the good news that they are going to release a couple weeks early! check out that stetson on Rivers…heheh. go out and buy 2 copies everyone!

-e

fetter

medicine can be a hard thing to handle. no one likes to have to go from being able to just get up and go and do whatever without having to think about when and if they took medicine to help them, to having to wake up at a certain time, take meds, go through the day watching what they do (driving, drinking alcohol, etc), and having to live on a schedule that culminates at having to go to bed at a certain time, again taking meds. this fetter makes my wife’s free spirit weak. she’s slowly becoming adjusted to this whole ordeal, and the medicines, while still changing (more on that in a sec) are starting to level out and help. i’m hoping that free spirit will be able to return during the daytime, when she loves to be outside doing things in the yard, and playing with they boys. it’s got to be hard sticking to a schedule that i’m totally used to (up early, bed semi-early), while trying to regain normalcy. she’s used to staying up until 1 or 2 or 3am, and getting up at 7am to get our oldest to school, then napping in the morning while the others do their thing, which is usually something bad while mommy isn’t paying attention. now she’s getting used to getting up at 7 and going to be at 10pm, and, while she now needs a nap because of the medication in the afternoon, it’s not because she’s had a lack of sleep the night before.

 

the meds are changing again today. she’s dropping the BuSpar, which has been a shitty med for her anyway, and adding Cymbalta and also Restoril. the Cymbalta will do what the BuSpar couldn’t, which is control the depression that is being caused by the fact she can’t get manic anymore from her bipolar, which is being controlled by her other meds. those seem to do the job, and the Atavan definately works better than the Kolonopin for the anxiety control. Restoril will be a sleep aid, she’s really had a hard time sleeping soundly for years. she used to just sleep straight through, but the last year off and on, and this year almost nightly, she’s tossing and turning (and as a result, so am i), or not sleeping at all. since the medication this last 6 weeks, she’s definately sleepy but it’s fitful. hopefully tonight, she’ll finally have a good sleep. that’s something i’ll bet she never knew she missed. i know i do

i see she’s adjusting to the controls the meds impose, and she’s becoming less resistant to being on a schedule, and for that i’m happy and glad for her, it’s going to be a hard road to get this under control for her, but letting youself get on a set time to take the medicine will help get them leveled out faster.

i know i miss some of our life since this happened. i hope we can get back to good, even though that could be 6 months or never, i will keep my hopes up and do whatever i can for her, even if we never return to our normal or she decides to just give up on us, i will be there. i’m sounding gloomish here, but i just am reassuring myself really that there’s the small chance that we will never be able to be “us” like we were, or that “us” will be different from what it was. would different be bad? hell no, anything that includes us being together as a couple and loving each other again is a good thing. i know the love is still there, i see it, i feel it, even though she doesn’t let me know as much as she used to. hopefully, i havent turned into the ball and chain that keeps her grounded, but more like that guiding, gentle hand that is helping her stay on the ground, because she wants to be.

-e