intern

 went and saw the hospital. i couldn’t go to her room, but they let me bring some clean clothes, underwear, socks, toiletries, etc. they won’t let anyone have pencils or pens, hairdryers, belts, etc that they could hurt themselves with. i bought her some crayolas and paper so she could do something. they don’t have much that she can do, it’s gotta be boring, but at least they’ll get her back on her medication and hopefully on a schedule and she’ll start feeling better. i would definately hate being in a place that makes me do things, it’s probably like boot camp in a way, and that does help soldiers get into a military way of life. she needs a more structured day anyhow. i’m going to plan on returning to work Monday, but i’m guessing i’m going to burn more time and have to take off another week before it will be time to return. i mean, i didn’t set foot in my office at all in April! Holy shit!

i met one of her friends from therapy. she’s extremely nice and a great listener. she had me call 2 others, and both of them were pretty cool. one thing that’s weird and hard for me to deal with with these three women is that they know me, thanks to her therapy classes. L, one of the girls i had to call for my wife started talking to me frankly and like i had been talking to her for years. she was very emotional and crying on the phone. i don’t even know her, but she knows all there is about me and my life with my wife, and even things before then. S, also had no issue talking to me like i had been there all along. it’s cool, but oddly scary knowing that they probably know everything about me, my quirks, flaws, good and bad, though all three women say there’s never been a negative thing said about me, which really feels good. it does re-affirm my own feeling that i’m not a bad person, i’ve strive to make sure i’m not, and even my wife must still think so.

it’s good that she’s making friends, and they know what she’s going through. i’m still trying to understand things fully, reading papers that she brings home, and i’ve ordered a couple books to try to get me through it all. i’ll be meeting L and S tomorrow, i hope it’s not awkward, i’m almost imaging us meeting and immediately being friends, which should be cool. i’m definately learning a lot about my ability to talk openly and frankly with people, which i’ve never really done. it feels good to be able to be honest and not have to wonder if they are judging anything, because they know more about my life than just anyone, and it makes me feel good that they understand my place and position in all this. i’m finding the words, at least in conversations with them that effectively explains my feeling on life with her, and why i am able to continue on, when most people would have walked away. i finally understand myself as well, and that makes the pain less when it comes down to it.

-e

update.

well, she’s now in an inpatient program. just. like. that. i’ll be going there to bring in some clothes, but don’t get to see her until i pick her up this is going to be a tough 3 days. i can’t think to write more right now, my mind’s mush.
-e

crash.

well, i was to be headed to work this morning, but that did not happen. she was doing good yesterday, but didn’t take her medications the night before, and it only took a phone call to cause her to come crashing to the ground. and the hospital. ill write more later. we got home at 4 am, and i didn’t get to sleep till around 5am, having to get up again at 7am to take our oldest to school. i’m now getting the other two ready to have to wake mommy and take her back to the therapy place and have her re-evaluated. they might wind up having to put her into the inpatient program, which would not be an easy thing. i just hope we can figure out something good, like an automated, pill-shover-in-the-mouther machine or something
-e

carne.con.chili – barberic.style.

ok. this is lower in carbs than chili, but don’t expect a low carb recipe here. this is probably something you would eat on phase 2 of atkins at the earliest….. but we didn’t count all the carbs, just lowered them immensely.

1 1/2lb beef roast, very lean, 1/4″ cubed
2 lb lean ground beef
1 pkg John Morell Hardwood Smoked Bacon, chopped small (0 carbs!)
1 can S&W Black Beans – RINSED (7 carbs, but less when rinsed)
1/2 cup coarse chopped jicima
24 oz diced tomatoes DRAINED
1 jalapeno, finely chopped
1/2 cup yellow onion, finely chopped
2 anaheim chili peppers, finely chopped
1tbsp cumin
1tbsp parsley chopped finely
4 cloves of garlic chopped
1tbsp chili powder
1tsp coriander
2 sprigs cilantro, finely chopped
dash cayenne
1tbsp salt (keep handy to season later if needed)
1tbsp pepper (keep handy to season later if needed)

brown up the roast and ground beef, set aside. cook up bacon to crispy pieces. do not drain pot. use the bacon fat to help cook flavor everything else, combining all ingredients and cooking for about 3 hours on medium heat, until the chili reaches desired consistancy. should feed about 8-10.

now, the reason it’s called Barberic Style, besides it being our own recipe, is that we like to enjoy our chili with a bit of sour cream, guacamole and cheese on top. definately raising the carbs with the guac, but WELL worth the time. i’ll post a recipe for that later.

-e

get.out.of.my.head.you.stupid.song!

yes, this does have to do with my relationship. someday she’ll read this and maybe that song will have some fucking meaning! but so far, all is going much better, i’m just learning that she needs to go at her pace, and not mine. while frustrating to me, i guess it’s better than the alternatives.

-e

permutation.

BEFORE

AFTER

now i just need to get that thing butchered off the top of my head!
-e

my.new.face.

yeah. i’m finally going to shave for those of you who know, i’ve been on leave, and havnen’t shaven in 3 weeks. i’ll post the pics before and after. and tomorrow afternoon is a nice, well-deserved haircut.
-e

rock.band.wii

i’m just damned excited about this. only 2 more months before we get more rhythm games for the wii that don’t suck *cough*battleofthebands*cough*. and Guitar Hero Aerosmith will at least extend the life of GHIII a bit. i hope they release the 1 / 2 pack like they did for the PS2 so i can play them on the wii. should be a snap to port.

http://www.joystiq.com/2008/03/24/rock-band-wii-special-edition-on-june-22-170/
http://www.joystiq.com/2008/03/24/rock-band-wii-drum-kit-pictured-nagging-questions-answered/

confluence

so, i asked today. what is going on with *us*, trying to bring things out in the open and see what she really thinks of things and where she thinks we are going. i thought we were thinking the same things, but fuck. i brought it up that we need to talk about shit, and she blew the fuck up. man. this is just the worst shit i could have expected. maybe it’s the medication (lack of actually, since she didn’t take it last night) that was talking, but i figured it would have been a “i guess we can tonight” or “you know that we’re working on fixing our relationship”. no it was “you’re selfish”!

fuck that! i’ve been patient and understanding for the last 2 months, and i’ve asked for little in return. it’s not like i wanted total commitment and foot kissing (though, it would have been something exciting and new)…. but to fucking blow a lid when i’m asking… i think that was possibly my answer. i don’t know. i’ve always known that we could just end up still ending things, but really i was hoping that we would get back on the same track again, be one as a family, not “him, her” and the kids. that’s always been my worst nightmare to have a broken home.

going back to my last post, maybe i should have phrased things differently, but even so, after 17 fucking years of knowing each other, 12 married, she should know what i mean just by the way i ask, even if i’m a clod when i speak about things at times. i have to wait till she gets off work to find out what the fuck now, and i’m guessing she’ll still be holding the anger when she gets home. or maybe she’ll have taken some meds and forgotten why this all happened and i can approach it differently. hell, maybe 5 hours on the job will help her think about it for a bit. am i being selfish? sure, if i had asked this over and over again, but god damn, i should be a part of things, not just the guy who keeps the family together but is not really in a relationship. she has always complained about my lack of emotion and affection, and when i’m practically begging to give it, she gets pissed! what’s that about anyhow? is it selfish to want affection? ask my cat, she just forces herself under your hand. the dog too… and the kids. they just come hug you whenever. but me? nope. just gotta hug myself. great. if this is a relationship, i’ve lost track of when things changed. maybe i am behind on the times. i guess ill have something good or bad to write tomorrow anyhow.

recipes are gonna have to wait again as well, as i kept trying to write shit down, but we only went 1/2 way through the chili recipe before we got interrupted. such is life here.
-e

foooooood.

yes, we’ve been cooking semi-lo-carb style again. here’s what’s coming (probaby tomorrow, since i don’t have exact recipes in front of me at the moment)

Lo-Philly Cheesteaks

Chili con carne

yes. both are successes, and damn good eats. THAT’S RIGHT ALTON BROWN!!!

-e